Middle Earth's in Deep Sh*t Now.........
by Estelijah Greenwood
Summary: Another scary Estelijah fic.....This time, we go on a seemingly innocent trip to the mall,and WE WREAK FREAKIN' HAVOC IN MIDDLE EARTH! May have 'angst' themes, here and there, go figure...angst themes? pshh....nah.....::whistles::
1. An Innocent Trip to the Mall

Heya!! Iz Esteladuial. Or Estelijah. Back with another story!!!!!!!! Um…..Total insanity is guarenteed!!! Promise! Not yet, of course…..there's still a few chapters to go!!

Disclaimer: DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT LORD OF THE RINGS BELONGS TO ESTELIJAH?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, if you're dense enough to think so, I don't think you could read this story……..lots of words…….haha, j/k.

Esteladuial and Orlijah were at the King of Prussia Mall, Esteladuial dragging Orlijah to all of the bookstores and FYE's in the place. She wanted to drool and oogle over all of the Lord of the Rings stuff, and so did Orlijah, no matter how reluctant she seemed. Esteladuial was looking at the posters to see which ones were not in her collection, while Orlijah was standing there complaining. 

"You already have all of these!!" she said. 

"Yeah.....but it couldn't hurt to check!! And besides, I want to look at the purdy pictures!!" said Esteladuial. Orlijah sighed, and then dragged Esteladuial out of the store (where Esteladuial spotted a Lord of the Rings advertisement). 

"Where do you want to go next?" said Esteladuial. 

"The Hello Kitty store!! Then we can buy that waxy gum and draw on the sidewalk at the bus stop!" said Orlijah. 

"Hey, that old lady told you to stop, remember? You're vandalizing the place! Your name is still there, for goodness' sake!" said Esteladuial. 

"Yeah, but it's tradition!! I have to do it!" said Orlijah. Esteladuial sighed now, and dragged Orlijah to B. Dalton, the bookstore. There, she purchased a few more Lord of the Rings bookmarks. 

"You already have the blond pretty elf!! Why are you buying him again?" asked Orlijah. 

"Shut up!! Stop making fun of Legolas!! And the tassel's messed up!!" said Esteladuial. 

"Great," said Orlijah. When Esteladuial and Orlijah left the mall, and were waiting at the bus stop, they saw that the old lady was there again. Orlijah took some gum from her pocket from the last time that she went to the mall, and started writing her name on the ground, just to spite the old lady. 

"Orlijah, stop that!" said Esteladuial. 

"You're vandalizing public property!" said the old lady. Orlijah stopped for about a minute, and then started writing again. Esteladuial sighed. 

"Do you understand what stop means?!?!" said the old lady. She then started glowing blue, and turned freaky-looking. Esteladuial and Orlijah were thinking pretty much the same thing. Orlijah was thinking, "Isn't she a little old for PMSing? Freaky, looks like Galadriel," while Esteladuial was thinking, "Hey, it's Galadriel!!" The old woman went back to her normal colouring and look. The bus arrived, and Esteladuial and Orlijah boarded. There was no one else on the bus, except for the old lady and the bus driver. All of a sudden, the bus started zooming very fast. The bus came to a complete stop, in the middle of an unknown forest. 

"Welcome to Lothlórien. All passengers please unboard the bus in an orderly fashion," said an animated computer voice.

Um…..CLIFFHANGER!!!!! Ok, not really, but this is the closest I'll get. Please review!! 


	2. Even the Valar can't save you now! Estel...

Yellow!! Orlijah Bloomwoodhere!! Bringing back YET ANOTHER cuhraaazy story!! Yuck, that sounds so perky nickelodeon talk-show host like...Nevermind...This story here is NOT a true story...Fortunately for me and the Middle-Earth occupants. Esteladuial's probably crying now cuz it isn't...My thoughts and opinions on Esteladuial and the scary "fangirls" however, are COMPLETELY NON-FICTIONAL!!!! Everything there is 100% real, just like my man Elijah's body...Ok...That's enough information for y'all....You came here to read a HUMOR FIC, not a hot, sexy visual of stunning actors!! READ NOW!! BEFORE I DRIVE MYSELF INSANE WITH MY AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!!

"Oh Dear God..."Orlijah said, paling, wishing for this to be another one of her strange dreams, hoping against all hope for it not to be real. Before she could say anything to Esteladuial, a blood-curdling high-pitched scream could be heard from a crazed out Esteladuial. She was currently jumping up and down in the bus, clinging to her Spacemaker pencil box(containing whatever Lord of the Rings book she happened to be carrying), freaking out(I just love making **_COMPLETE UNDERSTATEMENTS_**, DON'T I?!). Now see here, anybody who's anybody in their right minds would be doing themselves the favor of covering their poor, mistreated ears, as of now, and that is exactly what Orlijah was doing. Unfortunately(or maybe not so unfortunately), the old lady had poor old reflexes and inexperience with the likes of the creature Esteladuial and was not in time to block out the noise she was making. Thus, the old lady was now mostly deaf, wide eyed, especially wrinkly, and with her unwashed hair standing on end(looking much like Merry & Pippen after they set off the dragon-like firework. Oh, by the way, Esteladuial is going to freak out as usual at my reference to the book...*sigh* If only my life would go the way I so planned...) 

"I think that if I'm going to have a mid-life crisis, **_NOW WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE PERFECT TIME_**!!!!"Orlijah whined sarcastically. She knew that if this whole mumbo-jumbo was, indeed, reality, then there was no possible way she would be letting Esteladuial get off the bus. 

1.)Esteladuial wouldn't wait for the doors to open, so she would attempt to climb through the window and end up injuring herself; and then go on lecturing about how "honored" she is to have herself cut by a bus that has travelled to Middle-Earth. 

2.)Esteladuial would wreak the **_UTMOST HAVOC _**upon the poor, innocent, inhabitants of Middle-Earth by torturing the naive creatures with her screeching and squabbling on and on about how she adores them so. Otherwise, she would so LOVE the place that she takes permanent residence there, to the utter horror of the _civilized _bunch already living there(Yes, Sauron, Saruman, Orcs, Uruk-Hai, etc. included. Until you've met the girl, you have **_NO IDEA _**what _things _she is capable of doing and what she is like compared to them...You **_COULD NOT _**even **_BEGIN _**to _imagine_..._Why? WHY ME?!)_

3.)Esteladuial would **_never again _**be seen by her parents, brothers, other relatives, friends, or any other tortured soul being consumed by daily life on planet Earth.(What a pity...) 

4.) (Announced in the voice of Galadriel) There would then, be absolutely no hope for Middle-Earth at all...Sauron and his ring or not. For a greater evil has reached Middle-Earth. One so powerful that she is capable of knocking over all of the buildings in Rivendell by just one high-pitched screech. So powerful, that none could possess the power to tame this highly insane creature. None at all...For the kingdom of Middle-Earth has fallen, at long last...And a new, more dreadful kingdom has risen...One with many of these so-called "fangirls" that, even as they stand alone, are more terrifying than the most unyielding Uruk-Hai or Balrog that has ever been. A sport known as 'glomping' appeals to these "fangirls" the most; and they will proceed with this sport on all of the male creatures upon Middle-Earth. It is feared that many male elves are doomed to die, overcome by tragic grief.--- 

Orlijah's thoughts were then interrupted upon seeing Esteladuial come to a sudden halt in her present activities. She turned on her heel slowly, then whirled around to face the cringing Orlijah, for she knew what was in store for her and for the unexpecting souls of Middle-Earth.

http://www.elijahwoodissofreakinghot.org/chriskattanmakesmego@#$*@!$(*).hobbbit,hoppit.bobbit/mob/iamnotafreak/*7343#$@!.shtml/Sh$t!.immortalblackgoo!43412349.alt.delete/hobbitml/


	3. Esteladuial Steps off the Bus, While Wai...

Hello fellow penny pinchers. It's Esteladuial, and I have chapter 3 of the STORY!!!!!! I realize that no one reads it, and only 2 people except Estelijah have reviewed it…….how pathetic. Well, hopefully it'll be around 3-4 people this time……please read and review

Esteladuial screamed again, and Orlijah only covered her ears just in time so they wouldn't become totally deaf.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! We're in Lothlórien!! I want to visit Galadriel!!!" said Esteladuial. She squealed with delight, and Orlijah made a face of disdain.

"**WHY ME?!?!?! WHY MUST I BE STUCK WITH THIS SCARY, HORRIFYING FANGIRL AS A FRIEND?!?!**" she groaned.

"I'm honoured," said Esteladuial with a smirk. She made for the exit of the bus, but Orlijah pulled her back by her fishtail braid.

"Ow! What was that for?" said Esteladuial, massaging her scalp.

"Oh no!! you are not getting off this bus!! We are telling that bus driver to turn around this instant, and we shall pretend that none of this ever happened!!!" said Orlijah. They glanced at the driver's seat. The driver wasn't there, but sitting next to the nearly-deaf woman, trying to comfort her.

"….It's ok, we'll get you some hearing aids when we get back……"

"What's that sonny?" said the woman loudly.

"Oh, put a pancake on your head, head head!! I don't think they'll be going back soon," said Esteladuial. Orlijah slapped her head and silently agreed.

"Oy, I need some Tylenol....." she said.

"You should have got some when you were in China. It would have been cheaper," pointed out Esteladuial.

"Well, since the bus driver's preoccupied, I'll just steer this back...." said Orlijah. 

"NO!!!" shrieked Esteladuial, "I am NOT trusting my life with your bus-driving skills, which happen to be NIL!!! No, I would rather throw myself between Boromir and those murderous orcs than let you drive this vehicle!! I shall cast myself into the fiery chasms of Mount Doom!!!" said Esteladuial. Orlijah sighed and slapped her forehead.

"And we know what you'd say if you survived. 'I'm honoured to have jumped into such an important Lord of the Rings affiliated volcano!!!'" said Orlijah, imitating Esteladuial. 

"Hey!! Shut up!!" she said, though she did admit that it was probably true. She opened the bus's door. "Now, if you don't mind, I would like to make friends with the inhabitants of Middle-earth!" And with that, Esteladuial leapt off the bus eagerly and her huge "Frodo Lives!" shirt and jeans turned into a long, flowing Elvish dress.

"Awesome!!!!" she commented, and squealed. She touched her ears to see if they were pointy. "Oh......still taped. Poo," she said. She decided to take the tape off, since she didn't want to freak everyone living there *too* much. She realized that, after taking off the tape, that they were pointy. "I've always waited for this moment," she said in a choking, mock-crying voice.

"Great," said Orlijah. She knew that she had to come along to prevent Esteladuial from doing *too* much damage. She stepped off the bus after her scary, furreck friend.

::giggles:: ::gasps after discovering that her brother drew on the keyboard with *her* silver gel pen:: Ugly freak. Oops…..I mean……….Please review!!!


	4. Changes Not Caused By Any Form of Pubert...

Esteladuial never ceases to scare me and she absolutely adores doing so...Probably moreso than she adores Orli, but that' s besides the point. Anyway, please read to try and relieve the chronic itching on my scalp that is caused by not washing it- in other words- Kelly Osbourne is my new role model...

Midstep, a thought occured to Orlijah. _Wait a minute..._Orlijah thought to herself._ Why should I be concerned if she does too much damage? I mean there's no such thing as doing too much damage to a fairy-tale land...Or not so fairy-tale-ish, now...Oh well, guess I'll help her until Frodo recommends me try and stop her...Frodo..._Orlijah promptly started to have _nice_ thoughts about the cute, adorable, quite s_exy_ little hobbit. _Oh if only I were one..._She suddenly snapped back to reality and dinglewingleshidangalanged(jumped) the rest of the way off of the bus.

Now you're probably thinking the same thing has happened to Orlijah as did Esteladuial, well, you're wrong. And if you're thinking nothing happened-you're also wrong. And if you think that Orlijah suddenly turns into a male elf, equipped with bows, arrows, swords, tights that show off uhh...certain parts...Well, let me just tell you that are _completely, absolutely, definitely_...

Wrong.

Which is a good thing, for Orlijah's sake and Esteladuial's. For Orlijah most certainly does not wish to _have_ a bulging crotch shown off by tight tights at the moment. Neither does Esteladuial want to _see_ Orlijah with a bulging crotch shown off by tight tights. Now with that said, let's continue with the story, shall we?

Orlijah dinglewingleshidangalanged off the bus and all of a sudden-just as suddenly as Esteladuial had changed elf..ish, Orlijah flipped in midair and...

Took(Hahaha! I said Took!! As in Pippen Took!! As in Fool of a Took!! As in I _TOOK _my Frodog out for a walk and he crapped on the school principal's nice tailored suit!! HAHAHA!! Wait, Frodog is whole 'nother story in the making, so watch out for that kiddies!!)

Orlijah took a dive, headfirst, toward the cold, hard, dirty ground. And was suddenly caught by her one true love, you guessed it, Frodo Baggins of the Shire; or so she thought. For that little flip(or barrelroll as she now calls it; after watching Pearl Harbor with dreamy Josh Hartnett, aka Danny...) disoriented and confused her terribly, for she usually wasn't used to doing that out of the blue. She especially didn't get how she _didn't _land on two feet after her launch 3.5 seconds ago.

She was dazed for a few moments after being caught and blinked up at the one who had saved her.

"Frodo? Have you finally come for me, my love? My wonderful hobbit-in-shining-armour? Oh take me away!! Take me away to your hobbit hole, where we can have mind-blowing sex and have plenty of wonderful hobbit children!! Yes!! YES!! _YES!!!"_

Esteladuial just stared at her with a raised eyebrow, trying very hard not to laugh uncontrollably and start poking someone on the fleshly parts of their hands with a Hello Kitty pencil.

"Orlijah, this is not a freakin' Herbal Essences commercial alright?! Please! I don't need any more reminders of that slutty ho_ Britney_, from _you!!_ Besides, Pantene Pro-V and Suave are _much_ better than that crap Herbal Essences that costs _$5.00 a freakin' bottle!!!" _Esteladuial screeched, causing Orlijah to look at her incredulously.

"Well it's worth it for nice, shiny hair!! _And Britney is NOT a slutty ho!!! Just cuz she dresses sexy, doesn't mean that she has sex a lot!!"_ Orlijah screamed back.

"Suuuure...That's what she wants you to think, just like with her _implants...HAHA! _And you said she doesn't have sex _a lot, _which means that she must have had sex at some point and is not a virgin!! SHE LIED!!! SHE'S SUCH A DAMN LIAR!! AARGH!!" Esteladuial retorted, in hissy-fit mode; enraged that she even got into a conversation about Britney Spears. 

Before Orlijah could come up with a smart comeback, she was abruptly flung into the air once more and landed 9 seconds later, on the ground. 

"Aaaggh!!! I can't take this anymore!! Can't a guy walk away for a few minutes from his fellowship who's to destroy the One Ring and save the fate of Middle-Earth to take a crap?! I mean come on...Is a few nice minutes of peace and quiet too much to ask for?! Instead of that, I wind up having to catch a strange, female hobbit from falling to her death. Then, having done that, I have to listen to her blab on with her utterly _disgusting _fantasies about Frodo..._Then, if that wasn't enough!! I HAVE TO LISTEN TO A CONVERSATION ABOUT HERBAL ESSENCES AND BRITNEY SPEARS?! COME ON NOW!!!! I knew from **day 1** of the journey that the road would be a very long and treacherous one. I NEVER THOUGHT IT TO BE THIS TREACHEROUS!! The reality of never finding a female who adores me is harsh enough, but do I have to have that fact constantly shoved into my face?! LOOK WHAT YOU BEASTS HAVE DONE TO ME!! PUTTING POOR BOROMIR ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!! AND I THOUGHT ORCS WERE FRIGHTENING!!! I OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS IN STORE FOR ME!! AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!" _Boromir screamed, obviously mentally unstable; then insanely ran away, deep into the forest, with his hair flying wildly, his face red as a tomato, with sweat and veins everywhere, and his arms waving madly around him. 

"Whoa...Someone's gone cuckoo!!!" Orlijah exclaimed, giggling.

"Hey!! That's not funny!! Poor Boromir...Look what you did to him ORLIJAH!!! THIS IS A_LL YOUR FAULT!!!_(Trust me, that phrase has become a cliche now, in our friendship. Along with the infamous others such as: "Shut up!!" or "You LIAR!!!" or "YOU EVIL PERSON!!" How sad...let us now continue...)" Esteladuial yelled, frowning. She was extremely mad that Orlijah had chased away their ticket to finding the rest of the Fellowship, as well as the chance for Esteladuial to run, jump, hug, and kiss poor Boromir fiercely, oh and, of course, she was mad because Orlijah got the chance to be caught by one of the members of the fellowship before she did! 

"Hahaha!! You're just mad cuz I got _touched _by a member of the 'ship 'fore you did, _little midget!! AHAHAHAHa!" _Orlijah exclaimed, not regretting a thing she did.

Esteladuial simply turned away and started mumbling something in her anger. 

"Hold on a second there, Orlijah..." Esteladuial said, turning back to face her friendly friend who wasn't always friendly friend-ish to her friend Esteladuial. "Is it just me, or have you gotten shorter?"

"Haha, funny Esteladuial. Especially coming from the likes of you: the shortest Sylvan elf that ever was..." Orlijah continued to laugh, but stopped when she looked down at herself and saw what she was wearing. 

"Oh my gosh...What has happened?!" Orlijah shouted in disbelief, trying to get up from the ground, and raising a shaking hand slowly to her ears. Her hand grazed her hair first, and she immediately noticed that it had unusual volume and texture. Then she felt the tip of her ear and froze, completely.

"OH MY GOSH ORLIJAH!!! You-you-you....You...Y-y-you...You..._YOU SQUASHED THE MUSHROOMS!!_ NOOOOOO!!! MERRY & PIPPEN COULD'VE EATEN THOSE!!! _Why couldn't you have fallen someplace else?! You just HAD to land on the mushrooms and crush them!!_" Esteladuial was mad at Orlijah, and not for the first, or _definitely NOT _for the last time.

"Hey Orlijah!! When did you decide to get a perm?! And why are you staring at me like that?! You're starting to scare me, as usual..." Esteladuial wondered aloud, letting all the anger rush out of her, an example shown by counselors at her anger management classes, which she was kicked out of when she apparently threw a _counselor_ out of the window, instead of her anger. (I told you this girl was nuts. Come on, what did I tell ya?! I was right, wasn't I?)

"I-I-I...I have pointy ears Esteladuial, so you're not the only one...And, my naturally straight, black hair is now _CURLY and dark brown..._And I don't give a horse's rear end about the mushrooms, because I am focusing really hard now on trying to stand up, to confirm my suspicions..." Orlijah stated slowly, with a haunted and desperate look in her eyes. 

"The only suspicions that I have now are ones that you _purposely fell on the poor mushrooms..." _Esteladuial accused, narrowing her eyes; her anger returning once more. 

"Esteladuial, look at me and tell me you don't see a drastic change? Please, tell me that...Esteladuial, if you don't see that drastic change cuz your brain is the size of a peanut, at least let me share with you that I'm in a bigger panic than I was the other day when I was trying to cook mini shell shaped noodles for my sister the other day...Ok? Just imagine, me, Orlijah Bloomwood, cooking...Haha...Yeah right...Well, I did it, and fortunately, that turned out successful, yeah; and I hope against all hope that this _drastic change_ ends up being successful...Ok? Ok..." Orlijah then slowly began to get up, but then noticed something that gave it all away...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Orlijah screamed, and held it out for about 9 minutes. After she got that out of her, she looked dramatically paler, even more shocked than before, and extremely out of breath. 

"Geez Orlijah!!" Esteladuial whined. Finally removing her hands from her ears."And you complain that I scream too loud and high pitched!!!"

Orlijah just sat there, completely still, wide-eyed, panting.

"Well, don't just sit there!! Say something fool!! Hahahaha, remember Nick, my brother, not the Backstreet Boy." Esteladuial said, laughing at the memory of her little brother acting all gangsta-like. She stopped short(the best description of her known to man, er, elf, er...being) and it was her turn to stare at Orlijah, and her large, very hairy feet.

"Is it that bad? You're staring at me..." Orlijah said, covering her eyes, then peeking out of them to see Esteladuial's reaction.

Esteladuial stared at her blankly, not realizing what Orlijah just meant. 

"_WHAT?!" _Esteladuial questioned loudly and slowly, much like the stupid old lady when she was talking to the bus driver. 

"Oi...I give up..." Orlijah said, exhasperated. But that dried up real quick and she went back into her scared "I-see-dead-people-like" mode.

_"WHAAAAAAT?!"_ Esteladuial questioned again, still not getting a response.

Orlijah then whimpered in a response and stood up. But "up" wasn't a long way for her anymore, and she immediately noticed that too, and began whimpering and frowning and wailing even more. She looked like she was gonna cry.

_"Help me ESTELADUIAL!!!!"_

_"HA!!!! WHO'S THE MIDGET NOW?! HUH? NOW YOU CAN'T TEASE ME ABOUT MY HEIGHT!! YOU MIDGET!! OH, it felt so good to say that to you finally!!!"_ Esteladuial said, triumphantly, gazing down at Orlijah, something that she never ever, not even in her wildest dreams, imagined she would do. 

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" _  
  


So...Review and tell me what "sympathy" you have for me...Otherwise insane jealously and flaming...:-(


	5. Esteladuial Spazzes, and They Finally Go...

lmao....more story......don't I feel sorry for you poor blokes? ^_^ please read and review!!

Esteladuial promptly started going into one of her little maniacal fits (similar to when she saw something related to Lord of the Rings). She giggled insanely, which make Orlijah feel uneasy. 

"MUAHAHAHAHA! Anyway, midget Orlijah, it would be best if we found the Fellowship. Then I could glomp, kiss, squeeze, et cetera them, and you, midget Orlijah, you can act out whatever scary fantasies you have with Frodo, as long as he agrees to them, otherwise, you are going to leave the poor hobbit alone!" said Esteladuial, planning out what would happen, as always. She squealed with delight.

"Stop calling me a midget!!! You're still not that much taller than me, which is a relief..." said Orlijah. However, she was not as perturbed as Esteladuial expected her to be (probably because Esteladuial gave her permission to Frodo). Esteladuial looked down at Orlijah to prove her wrong.

"Hm...I think I'm taller than that cardboard cutout that I saw at FYE! Whoo!! Go me!!" she said. Orlijah tsked and shook her head.

"SHUT UP! If you were taller than something you were shorter than 4 inches a day ago, you'd be happy too! OOH! This is almost as nice as seeing Orlando's bum in Midsomer Murders!" said Esteladuial, squealing. Then, grabbing Orlijah's wrist and dragging her along, Esteladuial went to go find Boromir and the rest of the Fellowship. 

"If we never find them again, IT'S GOING TO BE ALL YOUR FAULT!!" said Esteladuial.

And again, I can tell that no one has read it. –zzzzzzz- telepathic mind waves, man. Well, if you actually did read it, please review!


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